Shattered

Often on Saturday nights such as this one I'm wistful and long for the Shatterday nights of old. I always had fun there, but it became the club of choice for Ed and me back in the day. Dancing the night away to 80s tunes with my Eddy G was always the best way to spend a Saturday! Songs like The Promise or Just Like Heaven really take me to those times. Of course one of Ed's faves was Madonna's Holiday remixed.

I've really missed Ed lately. It's so hard because I didn't stop loving him at all. I just didn't think I could make the move work (for many reasons too detailed to go into here). Therefore I still want to be with him. The breakup was one caused by geographical distance, not anything else. He is dating again, which I assumed he would. Of course, I want so much for him to be happy, but it's still hard for me to hear about guys he is going out with. On the one hand I want to remain as close as possible, and I'm so happy he feels comfortable sharing these things with me. On the other, I get jealous and upset sometimes. I was particularly affected when he told me about "making a move" on a guy by playing with his hair. I used to love so much how Ed played with my hair and scratched my back. Of course, it's the little things like that I miss the most. I think I miss them from him specifically and not in general, too. He said he was going to make this guy dinner, and again pangs of jealousy swelled from within me. I feel like I have no right to react this way. After all it's me who didn't move out to be with him. But how am I supposed to feel about the guy I still love being affectionate with someone else?

Ed asks about my "love life." I have no ability or desire to date someone seriously right now. Way too soon still, and my heart wouldn't be in it. Casual dating seems pointless and uninteresting to me as well. How could I possibly replace someone as irreplaceable as Ed? I have met some new people as friends, and that is always an adventure. I truthfully told Ed a while ago that I felt a little liberated because I've always been in a relationship or desperately wanted to be in a relationship. I've also desperately needed to be needed. It has been kind of nice to take some time to be self-reflective and independent. It's nice not needing something or someone for a change.

The last few days though, I have been missing being in a relationship, and more specifically missing the relationship I had with Ed. Do I still love him? Of course. Am I still IN love with him? I am certain I am still in love with the him that I knew. We've lived apart for well over a year now, though. Have we changed? Would it still work? Who knows. Right now it's a moot point anyway. When we first broke up I was relieved just to have made a decision. The weight and worry of moving and all the stress of my indecision was temporarily released!! Whether I had made the right choice or not almost didn't matter. I had just finally acted! At times, I think I have absolutely made the right choice. Could I truly be happy without Missouri backroads to ride my motorcycle? When I went home for Thanksgiving and Christmas and just for kicks to show off the new car, I thought I had certainly done the right thing. I love and miss my family tons. Being around to watch my little niece grow up will be so fun and rewarding! Now, however, the creeping suspicions are back. How could I give up the love of my life? I so wish there was a way for us to be together. Sometimes I think this is all just a bad dream and somehow I will wake up next to him.

For now I will do my best to be strong and courageous in my outlook on life. But tonight I would give anything to be driving to Ed's house to pick him up for one more night at Shattered. We'd get drunk, and I'd get emotional as I danced with him while The Cure floated over us:

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream

Update: I'm glad I got to tell Ed this over the phone tonight. I'm not sure whether to laugh, cry, or vomit at this point, but I'm glad it's out there. Also, I have to thank my good friend Matt Williams for coming over last night and rescuing me from my emotional breakdown.