Environmentalism Meets Baseball

Everyone knows the Cubs have not won the World Series since 1908. This year, the “Loveable Losers” enter June with the best record in all the Major Leagues, thanks in part to an offensive flood. The Cubs hot bats hold the best batting average in the majors at .286. The Cubs have rained hits on opposing teams, ranking second in the senior circuit with 604 of them. Indeed the Cubs’ lineup hits unfortunate pitchers in their path like a tsunami. The 341 runs they have amassed leads all teams. Their recent torrid streak of winning nine games in a row is the longest win streak by any team so far this season. The last time the Cubs held the best record in baseball at this point in the season was 1908. How can all this be explained?

For answers we must turn to Nobel Laureate, Al “Savior of the World” Gore. At a press conference yesterday, Gore pointed to global warming as factor in the Cubs’ success. “Think about it,” he droned. “The Cubs’ bats have heated up along with the planet.” Gore asserts that the raining hits resulting in a flood of runs correlates to the changing weather patterns that directly result from the warming oceans. The offense isn’t the only aspect of Cubs baseball affected by global warming according to Gore. The warmer, wetter air causes increased drag coefficients on pitches. Therefore, breaking pitches will break sharper. This was evidenced in a game at Wrigley this May, where the sweltering muggy temperatures reached 35 degrees at game time, helping rookie Sean Gallagher pick up a win.

The Cubs are not only benefiting from the perilous state in which we find our planet, but they actually contribute to the problem. “The Cubs are Earth haters,” Gore whined monotonously. “They have a C on their caps, which is the symbol for carbon on the periodic table. Clearly, they are advocating the release of more carbon into the atmosphere.” Gore is planning an awareness-raising event called Cap the Carbon Cubs. “Awareness is crucial,” he said blandly. “Raising money, affecting change, and the like are not important. It’s all about awareness.” Hope of all Hopes Gore is expected to unveil his new plan for saving the planet at this event. “Much like our old carbon credits, we will be offering ‘whiff waivers’ for purchase,” Gore stated inanely. Every time a Cubs player gets a hit, a “whiff waiver” can be purchased to act like a swing and a miss to offset the detrimental effects of that hit on the planet. “Something must be done quickly to avert the impending doom that would befall our planet if the Cubs continue as they have been,” Gore said asininely.

Only time will tell whether the Cubs can continue this torrential offense and smoldering winning percentage all the way to the World Series, or if Gore can curb their run-producing ways and restore order to the universe once more.